My News and Some Insight from the Heart

Dear Friends,

I wanted to take a mini break from writing about our little slice of heaven on the farm to share some news with you and hopefully a little insight as well.

So first for the news… I just started a new position as Vice President at a wonderful company. This is an amazing opportunity for me, my career, and my family (whose support I continue to be immensely and eternally grateful for). To be given a leadership role where I can apply my experience, knowledge, and passion is a blessing. I am truly excited and honored to be taking on this role and I look forward to this next chapter in my career.

As excited as I am, I wasn’t planning to write about it here, but then something interesting happened…  As I broke my news with family and friends I started to get requests (especially from my girlfriends) to share my experiences and help them with challenges that they face advancing in their careers. As I heard one story after another I realized that maybe I have the opportunity to help others by sharing some of my thoughts and experiences. This thought began to germinate and then it really sealed for me when I was inspired by a very thoughtful letter from someone in the Yoga community (I continue to be amazed at how Yoga intersects with other areas of my life).

I have always been a firm believer in life as learning. You can miss the opportunity to learn or you can seize it. That being said, now for the insights...

1.    1. Know Your Worth

One of my favorite quotes of all time is by Marianne Williamson…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

“Your playing small does not serve the world.” Wow. If I could pick only one mantra to repeat to myself every single day for the rest of my life – that would be it.

Know what you are worth and don’t ever let others assign value to you. Of course I have family, friends, mentors whom I love and respect and whose opinions are dear to me, but two very important things… 1) it’s a short list and 2) While I seek guidance when I need to and take it to heart when I need to , my self-worth comes only from within. You must have an internal barometer because without it you are just a leaf in the wind of other peoples’ opinions (and never forget that they have their own perspective and agenda).

Knowing your worth doesn’t mean that you lack humility or are closed to the value of others, quite the contrary… When you honor yourself, it is so much easier to honor others with a truly open heart and mind. Remember…”Your playing small does not serve the world…”

2. Happiness = Progress

I hear the following a lot (especially from women)…”I feel stuck.”

Never, ever allow yourself to get “stuck”. Take note of opportunities that leverage your strengths. Seek out mentors and people who truly recognize your worth, who “see you”. Always be honest and direct about what you need and want. That is probably one of the most valuable things you can do, but it requires you to know your own worth.

Years ago, I allowed myself to get “stuck” once and it was the worst year of my career (and note that from the outside looking in, it was a great job by many standards). Once I got unstuck, I vowed to never let that happen again and I haven’t.

Your time is valuable. Time is arguably the most valuable thing we have and the one thing that we have the least control over. Don’t let anyone waste your valuable time – including you!

Here’s a good exercise if you are feeling “stuck”…Make a list of everything that you would do if you were not “stuck” and then go do those things.

3.      

    3. Recognize the Important Different Between Boundaries and Constraints

When you have a big decision to make (even sometimes when you don’t), you are going to have people pushing and pulling on you. It’s unavoidable. Everyone has their own motives driving them. While it’s stressful, you can get through it effectively by respecting boundaries while at the same time not allowing yourself to be subject to constraints. It is just as important to not let others put constraints on you as it is for you to respect boundaries. Boundaries are mutually beneficial, constraints are not. When you have a big decision to make, boundaries are to be respected and constraints are to be respectfully ignored :).

This is a lesson that applies broadly. Some readers will remember back when I wrote about a decision I took in my personal life to not support someone in their dishonesty and unethical behavior. While I certainly wanted to respect their boundaries, I recognized that their behavior was manipulative and I never allowed myself to be constrained or manipulated by them. It’s a good lesson to learn and once you do, it becomes easier to recognize the difference between boundaries and constraints.

I think this is much more difficult for women to navigate than it is for men. Why? Because women prize relationships – we want everyone to be happy and to be happy with us – isn’t it a wonderful dream? Snap back to reality ;). Here’s an ugly truth – some people Just.Don’t.Get. It. Get over your shock and then realize that the ONLY thing you owe to anyone is your personal best. That means act with integrity, be honest, be transparent, give the best you have to give (even when you don’t think you will get it back in kind…and you probably won’t) and then respectfully do exactly what you need to do and forget the rest of the BS.

Seriously, forget it.

4.       4. Negotiate - Not a Four-Letter Word

This is something that I see a lot of women in the professional world struggling with (probably because they are struggling with #1 above :). Women rate very poorly (compared to their male counterparts) when it comes to negotiating promotions, raises, new jobs, etc. Sorry ladies, but it’s true. I have watched women haggle like Souk traders with their two-year olds or over a 10% off coupon in line at the store, yet I consistently see my wonderful, intelligent, girlfriends struggle to get what they truly deserve in their professional lives. If that sounds like you, let me give you some sound (and tested) advice…

1.       Newsflash – it’s expected. They are Expecting you to negotiate. It’s not even a question. No one makes an offer without this expectation and there is no better time to negotiate than when an offer is on the table.

2.       Never accept a position thinking…”I’ll ask for that later” (that’s a mistake you will only make once ;). Ask now and depending on how important what you are asking for is to you, always, always be willing to walk away if you don’t get it. There will be other opportunities, there’s only one you - Never compromise yourself.

3.       You will never be compensated for what you are truly worth. That’s just a fact. If companies paid people based on the true sum of their value, they would never survive. So if you think you aren’t worth that extra xxK a year, or that bonus, or that perk, think again…

5. Practice Gratitude

When I was finishing my undergraduate I had a professor (no, not my husband) who I went to for advice. I felt like I had to choose between two things that I desperately wanted and I was very torn. I respected her and I just wanted her to tell me what to do. Of course she didn’t. Instead she told me something that completely changed the way I thought about that decision and every other one I’ve made since. She told me that life is about finding ways to balance all the things that make you happy with a spirit of joy and gratitude. She said…”These are not a problems, this is good!” She totally knocked me out of the box I was starting to construct around myself and I am eternally grateful for that.

You really can have it all, but it starts with being grateful for what you have – always. It’s easy to practice gratitude when everything is going well. It gets a bit more difficult when you feel like life is working against you, but that’s when you need to do it the most. 

Near the end of last year my husband was admitted to the hospital and it just felt like there were so many challenges hitting us at once. It would have been very, very easy (even understandable) for me to have just folded at a few points, but I held it together. What helped me the most was putting things into perspective by remembering just how much we had to be grateful for – including that a knee injury helped us to identify a potentially fatal heart condition when in fact my husband had no symptoms of heart disease. In a moment of total clarity, I realized that God had His hand on us and that things were exactly as they should be. It helped me a lot.

We got through all that and this year has opened up with healing for my husband, this amazing new opportunity for me, and incredible news for our oldest son as well who just received word that he has been accepted to one of his top picks for college AND has been selected to receive the Academic Dean Scholarship award. 

So that is life. It can be a bit of a roller coaster, but that doesn’t mean that you need to be just along for the ride. Practice gratitude. If you are in a bad place right now, stop and take the time to write down all the things you are truly grateful for. It will surprise and enlighten you.