We Have a Graduate at the Farm!

My son graduated from high school…My son graduated from high school… Maybe if I write it on the chalkboard a hundred times it will sink in? Can time really be moving this fast?

I still remember how brave he was on his very first day of preschool. We were both a mixture of excitement and trepidation that morning when I dropped him off. The desire to walk him in was strong, but I knew it would be best if he went in on his own and I stayed behind. He looked skeptical as I told him I loved him and he was going to have a lot of fun! He adjusted his Elmo backpack and got out of the car. I still remember watching him walk down the side walk, Elmo’s grin bouncing up and down and then he stopped. He turned to look at me and for just a moment it looked like he was going to start crying. I touched the door handle and got ready to go scoop him up, but then I could see his fleeting fear being replaced by determination. His little lips pursed together he simply turned around and marched right in there. And that is my Eli. For some reason that moment always plays in slow motion in my head, like I have been trying to will time to slow down ever since.

We filed into the convocation center and took our seats. I could see Eli’s class lined up in the hallway and I could not resist sneaking out there with my camera to try and catch him in a candid moment. As I weaved through the caps and gowns I thought – are these really high school graduates? They look so young. They’re babies! Am I getting that old? “Hey Eli’s Mom!” shouted one of his friends and I went up to congratulate him. That’s me, Eli’s Mom. How did I ever get so lucky? Finally I found him towards the back of the line commanding the conversation in a small circle of friends. That is also Eli, that natural charisma. I still remember when his kindergarten teacher told us about an assignment she gave to the class to write about their best friend. I knew Eli had written about Zach (still his best buddy), “But that’s not what I wanted to tell you, she said. Everybody wrote about Eli!” Standing there in this small circle, talking about future plans, he looked so…certain. Do I even know this young man? Suddenly I realized that I was privy to more than just a candid moment. I was getting to see my son as not my son, but as a young man out in the world. I realized I didn’t know the friends he was talking too and that made me a little sad – had they been to the farm? Of course I know there are many jokes, conversations, moments, thoughts that are part of Eli’s experience that I, as “Eli’s Mom”, will never know. Just as this thought hit he spotted me and gave me the quick “Hey Mom, I see you and that’s cool, but that’s close enough” head nod. I smiled, snapped another pic and took my seat.

We love to go to the beach. It’s a long standing family tradition since I was a small girl to get a big house right on the beach and just chill for a week or two. At the beach a few years ago, Eli and my brother were shooting pool hoops and Eli would shout “It’s all in this moment!” right before letting the ball fly from his hands. His graduation cake read “It’s all after this moment” – a rather brilliant touch by my husband, I must say.

And it’s true. It’s all in this moment and it’s all after this moment. The promise of the future lives within the present. In much the same way our children live eternally young in our hearts even as they evolve in front of our eyes. And Mothers? We try to straddle time without getting too far ahead of ourselves and without staying too far behind.  And that is exactly where I feel I’ve landed at this moment, right inside that place between remembering and letting go, between longing for the past and wishing for the future. All I know is, looking at this smart, kind, funny, soulful young man, I know I’ve done at least one thing very right.